What the Niners can learn from Tom Green, a Boa Constrictor named Mitch, and a mouse.
Unleash the Fury, Jim. Unleash it.
That would be the words I say to Jim Harbaugh before the Niners take on Washington tonight in our Nations Capitol. And before Harbaugh could have me escorted(okay thrown) out by security, I would very quickly tell him-
Jim, the movie is Road Trip, a comedy movie in 2000 that was directed by the same guy who brought us Old School and the Hang Over trilogy, though out of respect and dignity for comedy we will act as only the first one ever existed and the other two will be wiped away from our minds Men and Black styles, but only the first one of that series too, because the other two are terrible. Okay, okay way off topic. Back to Road Trip starring Breckin Meyers, Sean William Scott (playing the same character he only knows how to play-Stifler), and Tom Green.
Tom Green is an interesting guy. He is kinda like your QB Colin Kaepernick in that he just came onto the scene out of virtually nowhere and became an overnight sensation. He had the Tom Green show and parlayed that into movies. He was basically the funniest guy on the planet in the late 90’s. He couldn’t miss. Everyone loved Green and his rather bizarre and somewhat confrontation humor that had no bounds.
Sounds a lot like your out of nowhere QB from Nevada that sprang onto the scene, could do no wrong, and was about to revolutionize the sport. You had Ron Jaworski anointing him the greatest ever for God sakes.
You go it, Jim. Good, now back to Tom Green.
Which is why he was cast in the movie Road Trip as Barry Manilow. Oh, you know Barry Manilow, Jim? Great. Can I finish my story now. No, I don’t care to hear his music, Jim.
So Tom Green plays Barry Manilow, a guy who seems to be a college lifer at Ithica collge in New York. He has a set of good buddies, one of which has a girlfriend that goes to school in Austin.
No, I said Austin, Jim, not Boston. Damn it, no I don’t want to get Lobster, Jim. I said Austin. Its in Texas. Geez, settle down.
Anyway this guy cheats on his girlfriend and tapes the session, which is pretty ahead of its time in 1999 since that is all people do today. The sex tape accidentally gets mailed off to the girlfriend in Austin, Texas and the guys must set off to intercept that tape before the girlfriend sees it.
That is everyone but Barry Manilow who has a phobia of leaving Ithica and would rather stay back and feed the boa constrictor, named Mitch, a live mouse.
Barry sets off on trying to have a viewing of this killing as soon as his friends set off on their trip. His ceremonial offing of the mouse would seem easy, right. Only Mitch is not interested in the mouse, which frustrates Barry completely.
That is, until one day, Barry dangles the defenseless mouse in front of Mitch, and Mitch, well Mitch finally takes the bait. He devours not only the mouse, but Barry’s entire arm.
It was beautiful.
Jim just sits there and stares at me. I stare back. He stares at me as if to ask, “Is there more?” Is there more? Is there more? That is everything right there for you.
I don’t have a hat so I take Harbaughs and throw it to the ground in anger.
Damn it, Jim, I am a blogger not a god damn spoon feeder of metaphors.
Okay, it is like this. You have this beast of a player in Kaepernick that has been, for a better word, neutered. He is this snake in a cage that is just kind of moping around as we all stand by goating him, yearning for him, maniacally and frantically hoping like a small child thrown into the deep end of the pool by their drunk uncle that someone will save the team.
Barry did everything short of unhinging the mouth and stuffing the mouse inside to get Mitch to eat, but Mitch refused. It was as if he was ordered not to eat and was following instructions.
The same type of instructions you are feeding Kaps to not run the ball. Why are you making the zebra change its stripe, Jim? Why?
The mouse begins to not even fear the Boa Constrictor, instead he just runs around freely and without worry because it knows the Boa Constrictor does not bite. It is a timid snake that might as well be a vegetarian.
Jim, you have one of the single greatest athletes and threats in the NFL, but nobody is afraid of him anymore. Nobody worries about him as a running threat cause you have put the kabosh on it. So instead of having defenses playing on their heels, they are in Kaepernick’s face, gobbling him up.
The predator has now become the prey. And that is not right.
Jim, take the leash off of Kaepernick. Unleash the fury, Jim. Kaepernick wants to pounce, he wants to feast on the NFL, he can be what he once was. But you have to take the No Running sign down. You must now dangle the mouse in front of him and let him unhinge those legs and run wild again. Kaeprnick is at his best in a chaotic, freelance position of power, where he can be free. It is not till Kaps feels free to do what he wants that he will be the QB he was last year.
Barry Manilow was not afraid to awaken the Boa Constrictor. He actually begged for it because that is the natural order of the world. For predators to use their natural instincts to hunt and to feed.
So once again Jim, please, for the love of God…
UNLEASH THE FURY!!!!!